Desolate

The nights are the worst part of all of this. Especially when I'm alone being alone never helps anything. It makes my mind wonder into the unknowns and makes me think back to the old times when I knew what and who I wanted in life. I post things on here because I think I want people to see what I'm going through and thinking but don't actually want to tell anyone straight up. I'm always in my defensive shell and don't like opening up to anyone about anything. I guess its just a defect that I have but its not a good one I think because it just all builds up. One day I might just explode. Like right now I'm about to explode, I need someone to talk to but who? there is no one I can truly open up to anymore about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I want to text her right now but know that I cant do that it wouldn't help anybody in this situation. The whole cycle would just restart itself and no one wants that. So I will just lie here tonight desolate in my own thoughts trying to figure things out for myself.

A "break"

So I made the decision to do it but was it the right decision is what I'm asking myself now? I mean sure it could be nice just not having to care for anyone else anymore and just do whatever I feel like but, on the other hand it blows. Knowing now that I don't have a significant other to call when I have done something marvelous and have good news or if I just need someone to talk to. Its called a "break" because we don't know what we want but in my eyes this "break" isn't going to turn out in my favor. I can just see it now me wanting to come back to my old life the good times when everything was going great and I had someone right by my side at all times. Then finding out that, that someone now has someone else by her side or just doesn't even have a care about me anymore. So for now I will just wait it out and keep on hoping for the best in the end. But just like she once said " everything happens for a reason" and even though at the time I didn't think so now I look back on that and realize that everything does happen for a reason and I shouldn't be worrying to much, because if we are meant to be then we will be and if not then not only time will tell. Many tears will be shed over this perilous time in life but the end result will show if it was all worth it or not.

Two cents

Today I got to practice just to listen to another 30 minute speech by Derek the douche.  Like really come on at least if your going to talk to us that closely in a girls bathroom might I add, pop a tic tac into your mouth or here's an idea brush your teeth?  So that I'm not gagging myself from that horrible odor coming from that hole you call a mouth. Second every time you lecture us about something that nobody even cares about or even better listens to how about we don't go into the girls bathroom, like come on man its just unnecessary.  Then during the whole time he's blabbing about something I never listen to he snaps at people constantly who stop looking at him but really can you blame them its not like he's something special to look at or even remotely close to that.  Then the worst part is that he says "keep with me for another five seconds" then that five seconds turns into what seems like five whole hours of just misery.  So all I got from his whole "speech" was never go into a closed room with him again, stand in the back so you don't smell his breathe, I really don't care even more about what he says now, and lastly someone needs to go on a diet.  So how about next time he offers his two cents he won't?

Silent Sunday

So this is the beginning of something that could be great.  As I sit here looking in on others life's from the good old Facebook, I realize how much I screwed myself over early in life. The thoughts of going straight into college vanished as quickly as they appeared.  Now I see some people I absolutely despise taking my place in college next year.  Just the thought of some people going were I should be next year shuts me down.  But I have no one else to blame except for myself and that blows.  The worst is everyone thinks they should tell me about these peoples life's.  But hey guess what I already know and sure it bugs the hell out of me but you don't have to bring it up since I hear about it at least five times a day.  Just writing about this gets me in a bad mood, but I will just have to get over it and keep living my life.  According to the girl I love every thing happens for a reason in life and this happened to me because it was supposed to and something good will come from this... but do I really think that this will make me a better person and this is how it should be.  NO, sir i do not think that at all I just gave a piss poor effort for my whole high school life and now this is what I get for it a whole lot of nothing.  Congratulations Mr. Evans you failed once again in your life is what I really hear when people say something good will come from this don't worry about it.  Well hey I do worry about this almost everyday because I'm growing up and growing up fast it seems like. So the real question is when am I going to get my act together and do things for myself and not for others?